In the time I have been away from my blog of the journey I have been on!            I turned 43, got remarried, on divorce #2. Can you say the marriage crashed and burned 0 to 60 in 8 weeks? 

While I found my faith again, he lost his. Oh the lessons learned there. It ended up being a good thing. No, really it did!

Hard to imagine but It was a blessing in the middle of one big heartbreak. Not in the way of love lost like you think. I am actually good on that part. Looking back that tells me something. It was not love. More the fear of growing old alone.

In the midst of it all a few dreams came true.Took my kids minus the oldest 😦 on a cross country trip. I finally made it to California. 🙂 from Oceanside to Sacramento and everywhere in between!!

 I finally walked the Santa Monica Pier, swam in the pacific ocean on the 4th of July. Caught a few Long Beach and L.A. sunsets. Caught  an earth quake, a waterspout, mudslide from heavy rains. Before that it was a massive fire that came over the highway just after we came through!

Guess what? He wasn’t there it was just me with my 3 kids and his 2 boys! Hindsight is powerful. I was busy being mom and he was most often out of the picture.  Even still…….

Man I loved Cali !!! Its nothing like Florida that’s for sure! 

Coming back home to Jax from L.A. was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Amazing as it sounds there were crosses everywhere we went. On mountains, billboards, t-shirts..you name it. The most prolific was a shadow of a cross on the bus window from the sun. God has a way of saying “my child this journey you must go but know I am with you every step of the way.” 

In the 13 months we have been back amazing things happened. First I learned to love myself unlike I never had before. I learned self value as a woman and as a mother. I learned of the strength I never thought I could possiably ever have. But, I do!!!!

I had nothing….now I have a beautiful home, a car, and I alone provide for and take care of my kids! I recently got licenced to sell insurance and annuities. This new job is a whole new chapter in my life to make my kids and my dreams come true! 

If I can be one thing to even one person bored enough to have read this far 😉         I pray I have given you HOPE💜

Trust me when I say if you truly believe and open your heart to God, let him show you the way no matter how bad it breaks your heart, or pains your body, keep your faith, never give up hope he will provide. Trust in God and he will reward you for your faith and love. I am proof of that. 

I still have quite a journey left to travel in this world. I know God and Jesus will never be far from me because they live in my heart. 

Life is not fair, and the road we must travel is one hazard after another with each step we take these days. Hold tight to those you love, give them love and hope. Teach them how to be brave, to be strong to face what comes their way, and the power of faith……

Never lose faith in God, Nor hope in humanity or all will be lost……. 

  Peace, love, and sunshine to you all….✌💜🌞

 

  
A writer, a creative thunderstorm of emotions,  with a pen, pain, and a restless heart that just can’t break free. That’s me.

  
A photographer, an artistic gypsy, a soul out to capture what I crave but aludes me just beyond my grasp. That’s me. 

  
It’s 3am. The alarm will all too soon play the morning in a forest to let me know its that time to begin a new day. How do you begin something that almost never ends? One day blurs into another, you just have to accept that life is what it is. With one foot in front of the other trying to smile into the rising sun.

       
As the perplexities of life astound or leave me scratching my head each day; I most often am Wondering where I went wrong, what did I do? What didn’t I do? I always back track and visit an empty train station or simply to find it full of people and problems so that it rattles my mind like a Tommy Knocker, and Pennywise is always there to greet me – eat me alive. Its up to me to survive.

  
I have places I go to escape reality. There I freely write from my soul, I let it all flow. Like the ocean where my soul longs to be free. Just like my beloved river where my heart bleeds. There is much beauty to see on the surface. Especially in the setting sun. Yet, with deadly currents lurking just below the surfice. Swirling, churning, pulling me into a black abyss all alone.  But, I dont like going there. I keep my smile above the surface. I like my feet in the sand. Pen or camera in my hand! 

  
Whatever troubles me, or haunts my heart I know I can if only minimally ease it when I write. I put it all to paper (or the screen) or through a lens as I capture the beauty around me. Filtered or unfiltered its all about my perception of reality.

  
Whatever my perception or the reality of life really is it all comes down to the path I choose. No matter if it is 3am and I have a heavy heart and the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Robert Frost one of my favorite poets wrote one of my favorite poems.

“The Road Not Taken”.  Robert Frost

 
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;         5
 
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,         10
 
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.         15
 
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.      20
 

  

If finding love after forty isn’t bad enough. Finding it after forty, after divorce and with four teenage kids is a triple whammy!            To quote Big Momma ” the game is still the same just the players change.”  Oh, how true that is!  But with the triple whammy the rules are oh so much different!  I am not sweet 16 again with the body to die for. I have added a few pounds, some years, and a few lines to this body. 

Starting over to carve out a new life with my kids is a struggle in its own but getting back into the dating scene…..wow! Seems  like men these days are only looking for “fast times” and “no strings” . Sorry they are outta luck I didn’t go to Ridgemont High. Those my age will get that😉  

I thought I was clueless at 16. No I was naive and innocent. At 41 I AM clueless and stumbling through all the BS men throw my way. Even gullible as a friend pointed out. 

 I guess we just get lost in the illusion that when we free ourself from a bad marriage that there are honest men out there and we can find real love. We have better luck getting a perfect fitting pair of jeans. Most likely ain’t gonna happen and if by some miracle it does it took many pair of jeans tried on and divine intervention. I just ain’t that lucky or else I would have struck it rich on the lottery already!

People say it will happen you will find a good man, an honest man just have to wait. What people don’t realize is that my clock is ticking. Not my biological clock though it is too but the aging clock. Us women don’t get lucky like men do. Women as we age, we age. Gone will be my youthful beauty (haha) to be replaced with that smiling grandma face. So I will become the sweet grandma who bakes cookies and adores her grandkids. Hopefully that is eight years away! Kids if you are reading this the grandma years begin at 50 😉

Men on the other hand as most age, they age like a fine wine . They become more handsome, sometimes downright hot. They have learned over the years how to treat people with love and respect and mellowed out to not be A holes any more. Yeah men get lucky! 

As I sit at the river and ponder what the next thirty years will bring I find I am no closer to any answers after failing at one post divorce relationship. Divorce, and what I thought was 

  a good relationship has shown me that navigating life with men is like struggling against the current of the river sometimes it’s all we can do just to keep our head above the water and just breathe…….

Pet Peeves, we all have them ranging from something small to outright rage instances. For a writer pet peeves are major distractions that disrupt our flow of creativity, and can result in a meltdown.

For me, pet peeve #1, begin with missing pens and paper!

I love to write free hand then transfer my writings to my mac. However, having four kids things like pens and paper have always seemed to have been a free for all for them and a luxury for me. It don’t matter if it is notebook paper or printer paper when my little Picaso’s have art on their mind I can kiss my paper good bye. Then like a mad woman I am running around looking for more, praying to keep my idea fresh in my mind!

Pet peeve #2, When I am happily (or not) writing along and my mac, ipad whatever decides that it is going to freeze for some reason or shut down because I wasn’t paying attention to my low battery and I cannot work any more. Worse yet, suddenly and all my work is lost. I am forever grateful when I have that hard copy to fall back onto! If not, I will surely loose my mind, and cry at all I have lost.

Pet peeve #3 of mine is when people THINK they KNOW what it is exactly that us writers do… WE JUST WRITE! Sure we are intelligent and well educated but good things take time! They have this grand illusion that we walk up to our computers and pour out our souls like it is nothing to whip up complete books, or movie scripts in minutes. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is painstaking, creative torture some days to get  perhaps even a single complete sentence out, let alone everything we wish to accomplish! Some days we are just a plethora of great ideas or page after page of writing that is sunshine for our souls!

What people don’t realize is that most days to even get to the picture perfect story written or edited  or simply get a decent amount of pages we wish to get out of our brains is impossible enough, let alone have someone discredit our abilities.  Let’s see them create the worlds in which we do!

Pet peeve #4, when a writer looses their writings! It is tragedy when a writer looses their writing. We just want to drop to out knees,  pulling  a Marlon Brando only we scream “Why, why  me?? Dear God why me??? What ever have I done to deserve such malice??? “

It ain’t easy being an non-paid, under paid, under appreciated, not feeling the love  writer……

 

 

An old woman is a patient in the hospital, her husband comes to visit her. They walk around the common area holding hands, smiling…. looking into each others eyes….. stealing kisses. He tells me they celebrated 60 years of marriage a few days ago. She was just 16 and he 19 when they married. I have to smile, it’s a fairy tale kind of love. You just don’t get love like that any more….its disposable love these days…..

What is disposable love you ask? As per Merriam Websters dictionary the meaning of disposable is “made to be used then thrown away.”                                       I believe that disposable love is what we see in society today. Love seems to be a fleeting thought for most people. People are ever so in love with someone one day then the next they are gone like they never loved each other at all. Marriages and the rate of divorce prove this. What was once a lifetime commitment is now like a prison sentence 2 to 5,  5 to 10, 5 to 25 and suddenly it is over.

People throw relationships and love away like they were never anything. What does this say about our society? We live in a society where every thing is disposable. Everything is  on a I want it and I want it now basis, with not a care bout the person they are “in love” with.  Well, you can see the reflection of disposable just by how people treat each other in the streets, you can see the refection in our children who have no respect for anybody nor themselves. The use and abuse in their relationships in alarming numbers and at younger and younger ages.

People fall out of love everyday, sure it happens. Being together for years can feel like more than one lifetime as we go through the stages of our lives and relationships simply fall apart. Especially in relationships two people never should have been to begin with…. people change, feelings change, situations change. Don’t forget the impact it all can and does have on your children. You are a road map for them and all of their relationships make it a good one!      Walk away friends if you will just don’t throw it all away like it was never nothing unless it really was……. a disposable love.

 

Friends, life, and the meaning of .
Through the course of our lives from the cradle to the grave we have friends. Some we can measure the milestones  in our lives with,
some who come for periods of time then are gone, some that stay forever.
Then we have those friends that we lose contact with then they suddenly pop back in our lives in some way.
Sometimes we are double blessed  with that some one extra special.
I have friends from all walks of life, some from the other side of the earth, some I have had for most of my life,
a good bit of my life to those who are online friends and those I have met recently.
If I call you friend that means something to me and I values that friendship.  🙂
I remember the song from my days of being a brownie and Girl Scout.
“Make new friends but, keep the old. One is silver the other is gold!”
What or rather who they forgot was those friends who are diamonds,
they put that sparkle in your eye and simply make you smile with out any words.
You cannot put a price on a friend like that! 🙂
Our friends and who we love define us. Even if we don’t realize it.
What does your friends and those you love say about you? Perhaps you are richer that anything money can buy , because of the friendships you have. I know I am!!! Then life has a balance of those friendships and loves that are not good for us, and we need to break free once and for all from. Those friendships and loves are poison. They don’t make you feel good about yourself and life, and the fact is that they are not good for us. But, for some reason all our own we stay. There is no sparkle in your eyes at the very mention of their name.  When they walk in they walk in the room it makes everything right. My advice clean house and like Dr, Phil says set the trash to the curb!

My 16 year old daughter got her first broken heart yesterday. Her boyfriend’s dad got reassigned in the Navy and they moved. It was a rough night she laid in bed with me crying and asking me how I ever survived my broken heart. What do you say or do when words just cannot ease someone’s pain especially your kid? She fell asleep after hours of crying curled up like she used to do as a baby. As I watched her sleep, I racked my brain thinking of what I could say or do to make the world right again for her. I mean I am all grown up and have learned many lessons along the way, surely I could think of something right?

Let me tell you all that thinking, led me to one thing…..memory lane…… at thirty something…I mean twenty something 😉 that was quite a trip back in time,I had to take a time machine and it kept me up most of the night. I remember when my heart was broken countless times. The first broken heart is the worst, I mean you are young inexperienced with feelings and how to cope. There isn’t any road map, book, magazine, or how to video that can quite help you cope and tell you how to feel and BAM you feel just peachy!

Inevitably, she woke up and reality sunk in. It was a new day and her heart was still broken. I tried my best to console her even dredging up my past experiences hoping that I could show her that over time and life going on things would one day be ok. Her reply “Mommy you have had a L O N G time to get over guys. We took a drive down the “beach road” (because it RAINED ALL day and we couldn’t walk the beach) chatting and ended it with food therapy pizza, buffalo wings and chocolate made her smile and forget for awhile! ” Most of you gals out there I am sure can attest that there will ALWAYS be some guy…. ALWAYS be some pain and tears along the way!!!!

So far so good, but……tomorrow is another day!